Here’s something nobody tells you when you get engaged: having doubts doesn’t make you a bad partner. In fact, some doubt is healthy. It shows you’re taking the decision seriously.
But some doubts aren’t just normal jitters. They’re warning signs that something fundamental isn’t right. And the time to address those warnings is before you say “I do,” not after.
This article isn’t meant to make you paranoid or find problems where none exist. It’s meant to help you distinguish between cold feet (normal) and genuine red flags (serious). Because ending an engagement is painful. Ending a marriage is devastating.
Let’s talk honestly about when you shouldn’t say yes.
Understanding the Difference: Doubts vs. Red Flags
First, let’s distinguish between normal pre-wedding anxiety and genuine warning signs.
Normal Pre-Wedding Doubts
- Nervousness about such a big life change
- Wondering if you’re “ready enough”
- Worrying about wedding logistics
- Occasional “what if” thoughts about the path not taken
- Fear of the unknown
- Feeling overwhelmed by the commitment
- Questioning if you’ve done enough preparation
Actual Red Flags
- Persistent feelings that something is fundamentally wrong
- Specific behaviors that concern you deeply
- Patterns that have caused repeated harm
- Issues you’ve raised that remain unaddressed
- Problems you’re hoping marriage will fix
- Concerns that friends or family have also noticed
- Your own instincts telling you to pause
The difference often comes down to this: doubts tend to be vague and general, while red flags are specific and persistent.
Communication Red Flags
How you communicate determines the health of your marriage. These patterns, if present now, typically intensify after marriage.
Contempt
Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce according to relationship researcher John Gottman. It includes:
- Mockery and sarcasm aimed to wound
- Eye-rolling and dismissive body language
- Name-calling, even “jokingly”
- Speaking about you disparagingly to others
- Making you feel inferior or stupid
- Treating your opinions as worthless
Contempt isn’t about having a bad day. It’s a pattern of communicating that you’re beneath respect.
Stonewalling
Complete withdrawal from conflict:
- Refusing to discuss problems
- Shutting down when conversations get hard
- Walking out and disappearing
- The silent treatment as punishment
- Emotional unavailability during difficult times
Everyone needs space sometimes. But habitual stonewalling means problems never get resolved, they just accumulate.
Defensiveness
Never being able to take feedback:
- Every concern you raise gets deflected
- They’re never wrong about anything
- Criticisms get turned back on you
- Apologizing is nearly impossible for them
- Problems are always someone else’s fault
If they can’t hear that something isn’t working for you, nothing will ever change.
Criticism of Who You Are
There’s a difference between:
- “I wish you’d put your dishes in the dishwasher” (complaint about behavior)
- “You’re such a slob. You never think about anyone but yourself” (criticism of character)
If your partner regularly attacks who you are rather than addressing specific behaviors, this creates lasting damage to self-worth and relationship health.
Control and Power Red Flags
Healthy relationships involve two equal partners. Watch for imbalances of control.
Financial Control
- Controlling all the money
- Making you justify every purchase
- Giving you an “allowance”
- Preventing you from working or earning independently
- Using money as a tool for power
- Making major financial decisions without you
Financial control is a serious warning sign. For healthy couples, open financial conversations are essential before marriage.
Social Isolation
- Criticizing your friends and family
- Making it difficult for you to spend time with others
- Jealousy that limits your relationships
- Wanting to know where you are at all times
- Checking your phone or messages
- Creating drama when you see others
Decision Dominance
- Making major decisions without your input
- Overriding your preferences consistently
- Expecting compliance rather than partnership
- Dismissing your opinions as less valid
- Getting angry when you disagree
Subtle Control
Not all control is obvious. Watch for:
- Guilt-tripping you into doing what they want
- Passive-aggressive punishment when you don’t comply
- Making you feel like you’re “causing problems” by having needs
- Constantly moving goalposts so you can never satisfy them
- Creating situations where you feel you have no choice
Honesty and Trust Red Flags
Marriage requires profound trust. These patterns make trust impossible.
Lies
- Catching them in lies, even “small” ones
- Stories that don’t add up
- Discovering they’ve misrepresented themselves
- Hiding significant parts of their life or past
- Different stories to different people
If they lie about small things, they’ll lie about big things.
Broken Promises
- Repeatedly committing to change without changing
- Promises made to end arguments but never kept
- Reliability you can’t count on
- Words and actions that don’t match
- Patterns of letting you down
Pay attention to what they do, not just what they say.
Hidden Life
- Secretive about their phone, accounts, or activities
- Large portions of their life you’re not part of
- Friends or colleagues who don’t know you exist
- Unexplained absences or unavailability
- Discovery of things they’ve hidden
You don’t need to know everything, but you should know your partner’s life. Systemic secrecy is a warning.
Values and Life Goals Red Flags
Some differences can be navigated. Others represent fundamental incompatibility.
Non-Negotiable Misalignment
If you fundamentally disagree on:
- Whether to have children
- Where to live long-term (and neither will compromise)
- Religious practice and how to raise a family
- Basic life priorities
- Definition of fidelity and boundaries
These aren’t issues that “work themselves out.” They’re differences that create pain for decades or eventually end marriages.
Pressure to Change Your Core Values
- Expecting you to adopt their beliefs
- Disrespecting your values while demanding you respect theirs
- Pressure to abandon things that are central to who you are
- Treating your convictions as obstacles to overcome
- Assuming you’ll “come around” eventually
You shouldn’t have to become a different person to be with them.
Different Visions Ignored
If you’ve never actually discussed:
- What your life together looks like
- How you’ll handle major life decisions
- What you each expect from marriage
- Your goals and dreams for the future
That’s not a red flag exactly, but it’s a serious oversight that must be corrected before you marry. Start with our 50 essential questions to ask before marriage.
Family and Relationship Pattern Red Flags
How they relate to their family often predicts how they’ll relate to you.
Family Dynamics That Concern You
- Toxic family relationships with no boundaries
- Complete enmeshment with parents
- Family members who treat you poorly
- Expectation that their family comes before you
- Family patterns of abuse, addiction, or dysfunction that remain unaddressed
You’re not just marrying a person. You’re joining their family system.
How They Treat Others
- Disrespectful to service workers
- Cruel about people behind their backs
- Road rage or disproportionate anger
- Unkind to animals or children
- Different behavior for different audiences
How they treat people when they don’t have to be nice is who they really are.
Past Relationship Patterns
- Every ex is “crazy”
- They’ve never been wrong in a relationship
- Patterns of infidelity
- Unable to maintain friendships
- Burned bridges everywhere they go
Past behavior predicts future behavior. Listen to the patterns.
Emotional and Psychological Red Flags
Some warning signs relate to emotional health and regulation.
Anger Issues
- Explosive anger, especially over small things
- Physical aggression (throwing things, punching walls)
- Intimidation tactics
- You feel afraid during arguments
- Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering them
Anger that makes you fear for your safety is never acceptable.
Emotional Manipulation
- Guilt as a weapon
- Playing the victim when they’ve hurt you
- Gaslighting (making you question your own reality)
- Using your vulnerabilities against you
- Emotional punishment and withdrawal
Addiction and Untreated Issues
- Active addiction they’re not addressing
- Mental health issues they refuse to acknowledge
- Patterns of self-destruction
- Expecting you to fix or save them
- Broken promises about getting help
You can love someone and still recognize that they’re not healthy enough for marriage right now.
The “Marriage Will Fix It” Trap
Perhaps the biggest red flag of all: believing marriage will solve existing problems.
Marriage doesn’t fix:
- Communication problems
- Trust issues
- Incompatible values
- Addiction
- Anger problems
- Control issues
- Fundamental incompatibility
Marriage amplifies what’s already there. The stress of shared finances, living space, and major decisions intensifies existing dynamics, it doesn’t eliminate them.
If something is a problem now, it will be a bigger problem after marriage. Address it before you commit.
When You Notice Red Flags
If you’ve recognized concerning patterns, here’s what to do:
Don’t Ignore Your Instincts
Your gut is often smarter than your rationalizing mind. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
Get Outside Perspective
Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. People outside the relationship can see things you can’t. Pay attention if multiple people express concern.
Name It Directly
Have an honest conversation about what you’ve observed. Their response tells you a lot, defensiveness and denial differ from openness and willingness to work.
Insist on Action
For many issues, change is possible, but only if they’re genuinely committed to it. Promises without action are meaningless. Real change takes time and often professional help.
Consider Pausing
There’s no shame in extending an engagement. Better to delay a wedding than rush into a marriage you’ll need to escape.
Know When to Walk Away
Some patterns, particularly abuse and control, are unlikely to change and unsafe to wait for. Protecting yourself is not abandoning someone. It’s survival.
The Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re seeing more green flags than red, you might want to explore the signs you’re ready for marriage. But first, be honest with yourself:
- Am I marrying who they are, or who I hope they’ll become ?
- Do I feel safe with this person, emotionally and physically ?
- Can I be completely myself without fear ?
- Do I trust them fully ?
- Are my concerns things I’ve raised, and have they been addressed ?
- Am I excited about the marriage, or just committed to the wedding ?
- What would I tell a friend in my situation ?
- What am I afraid will happen if I don’t marry them ?
- What am I afraid will happen if I do ?
Using Tools for Clarity
When emotions are involved, it’s hard to think clearly. Structured approaches can help.
- Journal honestly about your concerns
- Use marriage preparation tools like Before Yes to work through important questions
- Seek premarital counseling, especially if concerns are significant
- Take an honest compatibility assessment
- Give yourself permission to pause and reflect
The Bottom Line
Noticing red flags doesn’t mean you’re being negative or disloyal. It means you’re taking marriage seriously enough to ensure it’s built on solid ground.
Some red flags can be addressed with work, honesty, and often professional help. Others represent fundamental issues that won’t change.
The courage to walk away from a wrong relationship is the same courage that makes a right relationship work. Trust yourself enough to demand a partnership worthy of your commitment.
Saying “not yet” or even “no” isn’t failure. It’s wisdom.
Want to explore these questions honestly with yourself or your partner ? Download Before Yes and use Solo Mode for personal reflection or Couples Mode to work through compatibility together.